Saturday 16th May
Defending Champion Aust
Bristol Golf Club - Website
Tee times from 12pm
Refreshments Breakfast provided from 11
Cost £35
Format Individual Stapleforth
Longest Drive 12th
Nearest the pin 14th
Prize structure
Winner – £20
Runner-up – £5
Longest Drive – £5
Nearest the Pin – £5
Entrants: Idiot, Pres, Prof, Aust, Noz, Spike, Simon
From the Sponsor:
Overnight stay – book yourself into one of any number of travel lodges/novotels in Brissle itself for a Saturday night of fun and frolics.
Get sucked in – it’s a tough track – with water, drop holes, a fantastic closing 3 holes (the 18th is very tough in front of the clubhouse over water) – mega views of the severn estuary over to Wales. There’s a great Par 3 course for warming up on – we could have a minor Minor there if we were early enough? It’s also about 300 yards from Junction 17 of the M5 so a doddle to get to from Brum.
Brissle Match Report 2009
The 2009 ‘Brissle’ prompted a small field of 7 WHV golfers.
The Skipper opened his day with a train journey from London – on the back of 28 minutes sleep from a work do the previous night. Fortunately he woke up on the train just in time to contact the Idiot (and Mrs and Master Idiot) to tell him he would be 35 minutes late, just as the Idiots were arriving into Bristol Parkway station to collect him. That helps. However when he finally arrived he told us that he asked the cabbie to take him to the ‘Brissle golf club’ – which softened the annoyance of his earlier tardiness.
The Idiots arrived at the course in good time, Webmaster and golfing rock Simon followed closely and soon all 7 golfers were on board to meet and greet the days special guest, Harry Hall. The chunky chappy was happy to be passed around and giggled his way through breakfast - at one point threatening to puke on the President. Back into the pram then (Harry, not the Pres’) and the group devoured breakfast. A solid affair – a few minutes late, but with ample calories to fuel the men for the days toil in the field of battle.
A quick recce to the pro shop and out onto the putting green we went. Within seconds the Club Captain was gambling. He picked up a cheeky 1 pound with a nearest the pin chip with Aust – who sculled a sand iron across the tightly cut surface. This pleased Prof’. Down to the tee then for the opening holes of The Brissle.
The choice of venue for 2009 was in stark contrast to the close knit feel of the course at Bath in ’08. The Bristol is more corporate and suited to large societies, with plenty of room on the course, and lots of man made water hazards.
The first is a tough par 5. Into the teeth of a howling gale, and with rough right and OB left – the opening drives were not high on the quality ladder. Idiot went left and OB. So did one or two others. Pedro was so far out of bounds we did question whether it technically was still in bounds? Spike, resplendent in his new John Lewis golfing brogues racked up double figures on Hole 1. He was undeterred though, and persevered throughout the day. Doug played a magnificent short iron to the tricky second hole, in front of two young bucks who were obviously hankering to be let through (we never let them through by the way) – to about 16 feet over water. Followed by Pedro who stuck it to 12 feet. Idiot had pulled his 8 iron way left – chipped up to 20 feet and rolled the putt in for a 3. A varied start and then the infamous 3rd drop hole. A blind tee shot down into the valley, throughout which the rest of the course, except for the last hole, meanders.
The Views across the Bristol Channel were stunning all day, and softened the blow of the poor weather. The first 9 ebbs back and forth, nudging its way back into the centre of the course for the 10th tee. The tenth hole slopes from right to left, so was the scene of the prof’s second wager of the day. With an almighty uncontrolled lash he genuinely managed to fade the ball from the tree on the left, back to the middle of the fairway, only to see his ball roll sideways into the left rough and thus lose the bet.
The Mighty Mercurial M started to tire towards the end of the round, which kind of took him out of the running for the Longest Drive. The Chicken was a considerable way up the fairway, but it was downwind and within reach. The Idiot drove first in the second group and nudged past the current standing with a long iron, ensuring to hit the short stuff. Baxter hit an almighty driver down the right side of the fairway, miles past the idiot. Pedro then unleashed almighty hell on high, and nearly pirouetted himself into folklore with a drive exceeding 300 yards. Shame it wasn’t on the fairway (by about 2 yards ). A side wager was placed with Idiot to hit his driver and see if he could go longer. To be fair, He fricking nailed it, a long high draw, only to fall approx’ 5 yards short of Pedro, and level with Baxter. Technology in the driver world has opened this category wide, and any long drive could be won by any number of players, as long as Ron isn’t in the field. Pedro wasted his long drive by trying then to hit a ‘punch draw’ under and around a mighty oak tree, and over the bunker greenside and stop it on a sixpence – all with a 3 iron….clown.
The NTP spot prize was 2 holes later – over water. In the first group the ever consistent Simon had set the standard with a wedge to 12 feet. Hall finished outside this, followed by baxter who missed the green, Pedro who did something else wierd, and Aust who dumped it into the water. Simon could hardly believe such a shower of shite from the group of 4.
We must make special note of the fact that Spike, we think, set the first of two WHV records, around this lake. Never before has one golfer put 5 balls in the same lake. 3 on the par 3 nearest the pin, and two more off the next tee into the same pond.
The closing 4 holes were tougher still. A long par 5 saw the President lose what he thought was a good shot into a hedge of hawthorns closely guarded by a huge bee’s nest. Fortunately we were then allowed to witness Noz’s ‘tantrum’. Bag kicking seemed the order of the day, with expletives. It was easy to see why, when stood on the 16th tee. A tough par 3 over water in the strong winds prompted Aust to ‘not even f***ing bother with that, I’ve only got one ball left’. Baxter made a ‘good’ 5 for a point. Pedro made a 5 for 2 points. Idiot hit a 6 iron to 15 feet, two putted and got 2 points. This was the second time Pedro had received 2 shots on a par 3. The tight 17th saw Aust pick his ball up from the fairway and proceed to ‘get a head start on you guys’ in attempt to scale the hill to the 18th before nightfall. The others joined him shortly, sprawled on the bench by the tee shaking his head at how steep the walk actually was.
The 18th is a tough finish, Noz had his second tantrum in 3 holes having dumped one in the lake. Simon and Spike I can’t account for, but Aust was too tired, Pedro did a rule 4 and blobbed, doug took 3 swipes at the same shot and didn’t move the ball, and Idiot carved one OB and then took a provisional and flew the green into the flower bed for another blob.
Saying that he did bring home the bacon, with 31 points. Noz knew he had to score on the last to have 32 points and win (telepathic apparently)- finished with 30 points. Pedro had 28 points and the rest were sort of ‘tired’. Spike set the 2nd of his records with the lowest recorded point total for one round (6 pts). But fair do’s – he came and gave it a good shot, and looked (from where we were standing anyway) to have improved considerably in the last 12 months.
A good day was hopefully had by all, and a better night was to follow – joined by a holiday fresh Delbs and a suited and booted Faz.
I got home at 3am – having done a runner with the cab driver when we dropped the local crack whore at her crack den in nearby Hanham to ‘pick up some stuff cause she ain’t done any since last Saturday’. I’m forever in Noz’s debt for throwing her in my cab as I was leaving Bristol because she had ‘good tits’…
Idiot. Past Captain and 2009 Brissle Open Champion.
Rebuttal from the Captain (recorded for posterity, as Pedro Match Reports are rarer than a birdie by Spike)
(1) It infers that the length of my drive (cruelly robbed of the award due to the fact that a 2yd wide spur of first cut projected 5yds into the fairway at the point my ball rested) - was down to technology rather than technique. I could have got the same distance from Rob's club, or indeed a plank of 2b4.
(2) Also the punch draw was not going to go over the bunker, obviously. This shot is designed to start outside right of the right hand bunker, curve left and run up between the two bunkers finishing in the hole, sited directly behind the left bunker from where the shot is taken. 60yds, 3 iron. Understand this is conceptually difficult for Rob with his level of golf knowhow - will demonstrate the shot as the next Professor's WHVGS masterclass.
