2008 Gibbon Invitational

The Gibbon Invitational 13th April 2008

"Pitch Perfect Miller Storms the Gibbon to Set Up Clean Sweep" - Author Miller

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Wind, rail, hail and freezing cold, can only mean one thing - the start of the WHV Tour Calendar. Amid fanfare and pomp to rival that other great society that kicked off this week (if we only we were allowed to talk about book club), the Gibbon Invitational saw 2008 get off to a dramatic start for WHV.

Golf ended up the winner, or more specifically Miller did with a hard fought 33 stapleforth points in terrible conditions, the whole event threatened to be over shadowed by yet another WHV financial scandal. With the difficult and complex world of high finance a mystery to all of us apart from our esteemed president the prize fund for the winner was set at £10. Even us public sector, council types can tackle basic arithmetic and very soon rumours were rife as to why this was when 11 competitors had paid £5 each to enter the event. In addition 3 t-shirts were sold prior to tee off and as we all know the mark up on these to be in the region of 96.4% the prize fund should have been near the £100 mark.

The Team event was won by Matty Allsop, Juicy Brucey Bonus and the Noggit. When asked for a comment team representative Bruce stated:

"I know that I only scored 25 points (with 9 on the front nine), the team event was a last minute, prize fund draining addition to the Gibbon and that I did not observe protocol when retrospectively 'marking' my longest drive, but it is only fair that I walked away with £1.66 more than the winner of the whole tournament…….. Actually saying that out loud makes it sound faintly ridiculous now doesn't it?"

Typically humble and magnanimous in his stunning victory Miller would refuse to be drawn into the ugly financial side of the WHV Tour he stated; "Look, I know that the WHV Tour has 2 main objectives - to get away from the wives and kids for a few hours and to re-distribute wealth to Greggers and Dug from everyone else - but my performance today has shown that golf is at least a close third".

On a day when blobs were more plentiful than birdies, Miller held his nerve and was the least awful player on show in recording 33 points. Asked about highlights of the superlative winning round, Miller Stated; "Chipping in for a 2 and 4 points at the 200 yard par 3 third hole was exceptional but also turning a 300 yard drive into a 6 at the 10th - with a four putt - is also worth a mention. When this is combined with 2 trips out of bounds and 2 blobs in the final 3 holes I wish I could play you guys every week"!

(All the factual inaccuracies and fanatical opinions included within this match report are the responsibility of the Author, Mr P Milmore and the Members can rest assured that they will considered by the Board at a future WHVGS event… )

In a separate but related twist our plucky winner, who shot 3 over his allotted WHV handicap in securing this special victory, was also cut a further 0.5 points. He will now play off 14 in the Brizzle Open next month. It is a measure of the man and the player that he was unaffected by this cruel twist of fate; "The WHV handicaps hold no sway with the PGA anyway - they are the result of one drunken night at last Christmas - so who cares? I will continue to let my clubs do the talking, especially my 5 iron, once I have found it that is".

Asked for his views on the day's big news, WHV President Dougal Baxter stated; "I am very pleased for Becky and I'm sure she will make a fantastic mother. Once we have identified the father I'm sure Aust will be able to move on with his life".

When asked about the growing financial scandal engulfing this event, our revered President stated: "Miller is just a bitter tight wad. It is not as if I have created holding shell companies to hide debts, over inflated earnings and made millions from dubious consulting services that my tea have audited. At least not on this occasion."

Miller's victory sets up the possibility of a clean sweep of WHV Tour victories this season, surely a feat that the confident, young, attractive, rising star sees as firmly within his grasp. When asked for a comment WHV Tour bookie Professor Ash stated: "This clearly makes Miller the clean sweep favourite. However, it is a testament to the strength of character and determination of the other players, not to mention the creativity of the WHV Board, that I am still taking clean sweep bets on a range of other players."

A final comment on this sorry saga should go to the Gibbon himself who has seen his personal event deteriorate into a whirlwind of financial irregularity: "I wish those skinheads would get a mattress for that van. It is getting beyond a joke - I have now got knee ligament damage."

A final, final comment should go to Max Clifford who is now representing Miller's interests in this matter: "Miller quite rightly feels disillusioned and deeply hurt by this turn of events. He does see the bigger picture and feels that the Board buying their own drinks at Christmas is unacceptable, but he justly feels that Golfing excellence such as he showed in this event should also attract a reasonable fiscal reward. We cannot say any more at this time as our team of lawyers will be making a statement in the near future."

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